A Brand New Day

I have read and re-read my previous post so many times it is ridiculous...it is almost like I am trying to get used to the idea of my parents totally changing life as they know it and selling everything...like perhaps if I read it once more, it will just become a part of me, or my brain will finally wrap around it all. This is progress...slow, but getting there. It will be ok!

I am feeling differently today...right this minute...a new feeling is stirring inside of me...

Today is a brand new day...Sunday...and I feel blessed in spite of my emotional outbrust on Saturday. I am a few hours away from going into my Father's house to worship Him...to sing out my praises and to give thanks for the blessings that I have...and I do have SO many! My tears have dried, and my eyes are less swollen, and I believe that it will all be alright. I really had to think about how much worse it could have been...this situation makes me sad, but it is in no way similar to the horrors that other people deal with on a daily basis. I will praise my God for the parents He gave me, for the wonderful life that He blessed us with, and for loving me in spite of my many, many faults.

While I am at church, I am also going to witness the baby dedication of one of the grandsons of my very best friend in the whole wide world...the parents of this precious boy are going to publicly dedicate their son to our Father...I know I will shed a few more tears, but this time in pure JOY!

I hope you will be blessed today in your own lives...

Soft and Sad Eyes

It is 3:02 Saturday morning as I begin to type this....I woke up to use the restroom (I do that most evenings) and I could not fall back asleep (I do not do this most evenings).

My insomnia has not returned (hopefully) although I am feeling so worried about my parents it might just resurface...here's hoping that getting this off of my chest will do the trick and the insomnia will stay far away! My eyes are soft looking at these people (my parents) in this precious photo....my eyes are also swollen and moist from the tears I love to shed. No, nothing majorly earth-shattering has happened, but I am mourning to say the least.

I had a conversation with my father earlier this evening, which left him unable to continue talking to me for the moment; he had to pass the phone to my mother, saying, "You talk to her; I just can't..." while he lost the cool control of himself that he always has. This left me sobbing. My father is a proud, strong, and wonderful man...I do not remember a time when he has ever lost his emotional control. I just can not emphasize enough how much I love this man and my mother...I have always said that I could not have chosen better parents if given the choice and that I have been blessed beyond measure in them. Everyone deserves parents like mine! The main point of this conversation that rendered my father unable to continue talking to me was the state of my parent's finances, and a meeting that they had with a financial advisor.

First, you have to know that before he retired, my father was a banker. He worked himself up from being a teller to a Vice-President of the bank he worked for his entire adult life. He is a wiz with numbers (I did NOT inherit this!) and he always prided himself in making sound financial investments and decisions. As a banker, he planned well for his retirement, and they have been living quite comfortably for the last twelve years. They own two houses- one they live in, one they vacation in and rent out; they have a lovely, well-maintained pool and yard (my parents both so enjoy working in this yard, taking amazing care of it by themselves); they own several deeds with a vacation resort company (it's how we travel so often to the beaches and such); they are also quite genereous with their children and practically anyone else that needs help.

After the meeting with this financial advisor, basically this man told my parents that they are going to have to sell pretty much everything, move into a much smaller house, cash in a huge insurance policy (what they were planning to leave my brothers and myself as our inheritance) and drastically reduce the amount of money that they live off of each month...my father's retirement is simply running out. The economy has reeked havoc on his investments...He went into the meeting thinking he had a good three years at least before this happens; only to discover that no, it is more like twelve months...one year to toally alter life as they know it.

My father insists that he is ok with this, just momentarily emotional while talking to me...my mother is shockingly alright...in fact, when she took the phone, she calmly explained her point of view, "Everything in this house is just stuff...it is not important to me....all that matters is that I have your father by my side. We can live anywhere and get through anything if we are together." As I am typing this, I just can not stop my flow of tears! Why am I crying? So many reasons! I could not even utter words by this time on the phone I was sobbing so hard. My mother said, "We need not worry about what is done...we just all need to be concerned with our salvation- knowing God and living the best way we can from here on out...; she continued, "I do not want you to worry about us or to cry...everything will be fine...". This is what my life is always like- they comfort me, when I should be comforting them.

I am not mourning the loss of material things....I am truthfully sad for them to sell the house they live in- it's where I grew up; it's where we lived when the daughter was born...it is THE place I know of as home, even though I have not lived there for years. I watched a quirky movie last week that expresses some of what I have felt about this house...in Garden State the main character at one point talks about returning home- this place that you have always known and loved- only to discover that it is not your home anymore...and feeling a loss in that. I remember that feeling...when we (the husband, daughter, and I) moved out, and would come back to visit my parents, I felt like a piece of my childhood was lost to me. So, yes, I am sad about the house. But, it is more than that really...my parents are vulnerable...defenseless against something I can not name...they are human...fragile...and incapable of stopping this. To me, they have always been invincible...unshakable...they recuse me when I am hurting or in need...and I can not rescue them. I can not save them from this mess. I have my own financial mess...I guess I also feel guilty in a sense...since so often they have helped me with financial stuff...paid for things when I could not or loaned money and not said a single word when I had difficulty paying it back...This is no one's fault. It just is. I know everything will be fine...that is just how my parents are. But, whew. I can not stop the tears. This just should not have happened.

My sweet mother, who is filled with wisdom, said, "I did not call you up to tell you that your father was dead...that is the only reason you should cry...so stop your tears now. " She just made me sob even harder. I can NOT imagine this world without them.

It will be ok. I will stop the tears eventually and move on. This is not the end of the world, as my mother likes to say. It just feels like it (sort of), but I know it is not. I also always know things could be worse. This was just a shock to me, to my heart, and my brain. It will be fine.

Thank you for allowing me to invade the early morning hours of the blogosphere to unload this heavy burden. I would like to say that I feel better already, but I would be lying. My swollen eyes actually ache and my head is about to split open! I am off to take some headache medicine and then try to go back to sleep. It is now 4:31. I will rest on my pillow with a song from Garden State in my head...it is a love song really, but some of the lyrics always make me think of my parents...

"I drink good coffee every morning / Comes from a place that's far away/ And when I'm done I feel like talking / Without you here there is less to say / I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy / What is closer to the truth / That if I lived till I was 102 / I just don't think I'll ever get over you..."

P.S. I did not type this as one big gigantic paragraph...I had skipped lines periodically throughout, but it will NOT publish the way that I typed it *grrr*

So please forgive the big LONG mess. I am too tired to sit here and worry about it. I need rest...

P.S.S. That lovely photo of my parents is from their wedding day, 50 years ago in May 2009!

BSM: Reflections at Sunrise

Tracy at Mother May I is reflecting on things for Best Shot Monday this week, so I took cues from her and composed my own list of current reflections.

Just returned from my last hurrah of the summer, as I start back to work / school this week on Thursday (yikes!!), so most of my pondering happened in the face of this glorious place- the crashing waves, the sucking wet sand, the delirious laughter of children playing in the nearby pool...what a place to reflect! This is Daytona Beach, Florida...my best shot above is at sunrise on our last morning after spending a week there.

While there, I reflected upon the following:

* going back to work this week- trying to gear myself up for a less stressful year...hoping and praying that all will go well with new administration and new students...I took deep breaths while trying to soak in this sea thinking that would rid me of all of my worries...

* my parents- growing older and more fragile- my father celebrated his 70th birthday while we were at the beach...70 years old. That sounds so old...they are such active and busy people that they do not act like that age, so it is easy for me to forget...I already ache for the day that I will have let go of them...*sigh*I can not even think that thought all the way through...but I have just in the last few years really realized the years in them...the photo below is my father with his two grandgirls- my daughter (the oldest grand child) on the right and MEB, my brother's daughter (the youngest grand child) on the left.

* how fast children grow up- the daughter just turned 19 this summer, and we were all talking about how she would be 20 years old this time next summer...(*oh, my heart*) During this conversation, all of a sudden the daughter realized that MEB will soon be 6 (in November), will start kindergarten in a week or so, and will be almost 7 this time next summer...(boy was that shocking for her!) I told her that is what it has been like for me to watch her grow so very fast before my eyes...that is one little girl that the daughter simply adores...it is so nice for the cousins to be so close; when the daughter is around, MEB will not have much to do with the rest of us...it is really quite touching, and I hope MEB will still love the daughter that much even when she gets older and older...The photos below are from MEB's first slumber party! My brother, sister-in-law, and their kids were in Daytona with us (we stayed in different sides of the resort), and MEB got it into her head that she was going to spend the night with us...so the daughter planned a slumber party with dinner, games, painting nails, make-up, pop-corn, late night television (Disney Channel), and much much snuggling...it was so sweet!

MEB is wearing my shoes in the first shot...a sure sign of growing up- wearing heels! Nana (my mother) was our nail tech for the evening in the next shots...she was so gracious in applying polish to everyone's fingernails and toenails...with such skill and no complaints! And of course, MEB wanted to sleep in the daughter's bed...

* lastly, I reflected upon the future- right now there are many uncertainties for us- financial difficulties, the daughter's college / job (or lack there of), where life will take us throughout the next several months...I continued to take deep breaths and realized that God is in control of it all, and I need to trust in Him...I took this last photo as a sign that all will be well! (not sure if you can see the rainbow, but it is there...His promise.)

Check out other stories and photos of reflections for this week here. Hope you have a great week!

Summer Sky

..."Sweet days of summer, the jasmine's in bloom. July is dressed up and playing her tune.

And I come home from a hard day's work, and you're waiting there, not a care in the world.

See the smile a waitin' in the kitchen, food cookin' and the plates for two.

See the arms that reach out and hold me, in the evening when the day is through.

Summer breeze, makes me feel fine

Blowin' through the jasmine in my mind..."

Seals and Croft, 1972.

Exactly two weeks...and my summer will end.

*sigh*

I know I have lamented about the boredom I felt for a few days, but sheesh...the thought of going back to work still hurts...new students, new administration, proving myself all over again...in just two more weeks.

I am leaving Saturday for my last hurrah- a second beach trip with the daughter and my parents. The person I feel sorrier for is the husband...he can not get off work to go with us. Like so many others, he does not get a summer break. So, I should suck it up and not complain about it being over. It will be good to get into a busy routine again.

Until then...

"summer breeze, makes me feel fine...blowin' through the jasmine in my mind...".

Two for Tuesday

One:
Ok, so I missed BSM...how did that happen? I am on summer break, and while this is the most luxuriously lazy time of my life, I sort of lose all track of days...I am fully aware that it is 2008, but I can't easily recall what day of what month it is...I did realize that it is July (mostly thanks to the 4th of July celebrations), but I completely missed Monday. Yesterday was kind of a blur to me...so here is what I would have posted on Monday!

BLUEBERRIES...it was blueberry picking time on Friday morning. My friend, Natalie, invited us to tag along with her and several of her friends to a nearby blueberry field. So many little ones and their moms...the daughter and I enjoyed the frenzy of it all...lost buckets, toddlers picking up blueberries off of the ground, and eating handfuls rather than putting them in the bucket...I laughed so much....We had such a nice time.

This is a bad picture of the husband's dessert last night...the daughter made a delicious chicken stir fry with Thai rice for dinner, and I made a light cream to go with these luscious berries. I have also found several not-so-good-for-you blueberry recipes that I will try over the next several months with the blueberries I put in the freezer. For this week's Best Shot Monday, Tracey talked about the "earth's currency" and I think these blueberries are exactly that...for more BSM photos and stories check out her place.

Two:
Another wonderfully fun thing that we did recently...a day of swimming and several games of Candy Land afterwards. How long has it been since you have played this game? Well, for me, since I have a nineteen-year-old, it has been quite a while! Of course, I remembered how to play; it is so simple, but things on the board game have changed a bit. There are bridges and people that I did not recognize...including the King and the Candy Man. What fun. MEB is such a delight, and is totally in love with playing games. She is also very good at most of them...she wins more often than not. Oh, how I love this little girl. You can read more about her here and here. And even here. She makes my heart sing... I love that my parents keep her, especially during the summer, since I get to see her more often. She will start kindergarten in the fall...and most likely will not need to go back to Nana and Papa's house to be kept since school is all day. We are all struggling with that...her growing up and not being a baby anymore. *sigh*
So, I will enjoy many more games of Candy Land and Monopoly Junior while I can!

No BSM: Camera Missing in Action

The daughter is away...with my camera. All of my weekend photos are still on the camera, so I have no shots to post for today. *sigh*

Oh well, just as an update...
I found a book with which to busy myself over the last day or so...
The 4th of July weekend was lovely- swimming and eating dinner at my parents...
Another cookout at a cousin's house with many, many of the other cousins that I so rarely see.
Time with my husband, as he had several days off in a row. That almost NEVER happens, so I was giddy with snuggling and early bed times...(that totally helps my insomnia!)

Speaking of bed times, I just wanted to let you know that I was off of the couch...
I am headed to bed, but I will post some photos when the camera comes in from life on the road with a crazy teenage girl.

Hope your week is wonderful...
Check out the really great Best Shot Monday photos and stories at Melody's place- Slurping Life!

Pity Party for One

Fat.
Bored.
Incapable of getting off the couch.
Daydreams about things that should be done, and then does not do them.
Wakes up ridiculously late, then naps off and on throughout the day.

They say confession is good for the soul....

I am not good (REALLY no good) without the routine of the school year. As a teacher, I need the meetings, the bells, the paper work, and the lesson plans...Summer causes me to wallow in a pit of quicksand, slowly drowning...to the point of heartburn...oh, maybe that was what I ate for dinner. Glutton.

My mother used to say, when I complained of boredom, "Oh, you are bored? Well, I have something you can do..." It was never something wonderfully exciting like shrinky dinks or a game of Parcheesi. No, it was scrubbing the bathrooms, or folding laundry. I need a summer job, I think. Perhaps I will look in to that for next summer. This one is almost over. *sigh*

Do not get me wrong...I enjoy the beach...the sand ,the surf, the sounds. I need that as well- for my sanity. And summer is just about the only time I get that...It's just that in between the beach trips and a few other things that I do over the summer, I get lost. Lost aimlessly wandering through my days wondering what to do...I have no plan for the days. No little ones to chase after. No schedules to keep. The days are endless open plains...I know what you are thinking...you would love to have just ONE day like this, and what the hell am I belly aching about anyway?! Well, excuse me. This is a pity party for one, and I get to cry if I want to.

Perhaps my hormones are out of whack, and I would feel better after a good night's sleep. Yes.

*yawn*

Tomorrow is another day, and I will find something constructive to do with my time. I will surely let you know what that is...but in the meantime, thank you for having such a great life and for blogging about it, so I can at least fill up a few hours each day. Loser.

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