(Disclaimer: This is NOT a photograph that I think will lead me to the Photography Hall of Fame or anything, but this fits Tracey's theme for today so well for me....keep reading, you'll see.)
Tracey wrote the in her post for today..."Just when you think you've hit your stride, one or both of your kids will slide into some new phase and you're caught not not looking and loose your balance. Sometimes you're left reeling only to struggle to regain composure while other times you find yourself flat on your face..."
As a mother, I can not confess the actual number of times when this has happened to me, completely without warning...taken me so off guard and rendered me not only speechless, but also painfully inept. I used to menatally remind myself (as if I'd forgotten or something) that I was an exteremely young mother, and if things went wrong, what did I know?! You can only use that for so many years, and then mothering is supposed to make sense, right? We are supposed to know what to do, how to answer, when to step in, and when to leave it alone...right? Well, I learned long ago, early in my eighteen years as a mother, that there is no survival guide or how-to book. The stages in a child's life are inexplicable and nebulous at best. This journey that I have been on with the daughter has been more like a roller coaster than a day at the beach. Seeing a daughter for who she is, not for what I want her to be (as Tracry mentioned) is such a tremendous step, a LEAP, into finding our places in this present life. But, just when I get used to that placement, she changes again...and I am forced to constantly reassess my role. My dear, sweet mother told me once that it NEVER gets easier...I really thought I might faint at hearing that. I argued with her claiming that she and I have progressed into such nice places, where, as adults, we are more like friends now than like mother and daughter. She told me that it still isn't easy for her...she worries about me, cannot control me, does not have authority over me, and has to let me go to lead my own life, no matter what, but that she never stops aching for me, worrying about me, praying for me, and hoping for the best for me. My mother will turn 70 years old next year...I guess she is right; it will never get easier and it will never end.
But, would you want it to? Isn't being a mother, especially to a daughter, the BEST job in the ENTIRE world? What would I give for the daughter's presence in my life? Absolutey nothing!
Which brings me (finally) to the BSM photo....these belong to the daughter. Does your heart ache at this sight, the mere thought of it, like mine does? Regardless of the reason for these birth control pills, I still can not wrap my brain around it all. At the moment, I WANT to turn around and see my precious toddler in diapers squealing out in joy at some new experience...I LONG to have her climb up in my lap for a bedtime story...I ACHE for her to give me that to-die-for-grin that could simply melt my heart with one look...I have asked this question so many times in this space, but what happened to all of those years? When did she turn this corner and have this new more adult life? What was I doing when this happened?
For the times of metamorphosis, for the face offs, the hang-on-to-your-hat moments in mothering...even the times when you are falling flat on your face...PLEASE still savor even those moments...you might have a day, not too far from now, when you long for even those times! Just know that no matter what stage of life you are in with your daughter, a new beautiful relationship is waiting to arise from it all.
Don't forget to check out Tracy's story and photo, as well as other BSM.