Monday, March 10, 2008

BSM: Things that Make Your Heart Hurt

(Disclaimer: This is NOT a photograph that I think will lead me to the Photography Hall of Fame or anything, but this fits Tracey's theme for today so well for me....keep reading, you'll see.)

Tracey wrote the in her post for today..."Just when you think you've hit your stride, one or both of your kids will slide into some new phase and you're caught not not looking and loose your balance. Sometimes you're left reeling only to struggle to regain composure while other times you find yourself flat on your face..."

As a mother, I can not confess the actual number of times when this has happened to me, completely without warning...taken me so off guard and rendered me not only speechless, but also painfully inept. I used to menatally remind myself (as if I'd forgotten or something) that I was an exteremely young mother, and if things went wrong, what did I know?! You can only use that for so many years, and then mothering is supposed to make sense, right? We are supposed to know what to do, how to answer, when to step in, and when to leave it alone...right? Well, I learned long ago, early in my eighteen years as a mother, that there is no survival guide or how-to book. The stages in a child's life are inexplicable and nebulous at best. This journey that I have been on with the daughter has been more like a roller coaster than a day at the beach. Seeing a daughter for who she is, not for what I want her to be (as Tracry mentioned) is such a tremendous step, a LEAP, into finding our places in this present life. But, just when I get used to that placement, she changes again...and I am forced to constantly reassess my role. My dear, sweet mother told me once that it NEVER gets easier...I really thought I might faint at hearing that. I argued with her claiming that she and I have progressed into such nice places, where, as adults, we are more like friends now than like mother and daughter. She told me that it still isn't easy for her...she worries about me, cannot control me, does not have authority over me, and has to let me go to lead my own life, no matter what, but that she never stops aching for me, worrying about me, praying for me, and hoping for the best for me. My mother will turn 70 years old next year...I guess she is right; it will never get easier and it will never end.
But, would you want it to? Isn't being a mother, especially to a daughter, the BEST job in the ENTIRE world? What would I give for the daughter's presence in my life? Absolutey nothing!

Which brings me (finally) to the BSM photo....these belong to the daughter. Does your heart ache at this sight, the mere thought of it, like mine does? Regardless of the reason for these birth control pills, I still can not wrap my brain around it all. At the moment, I WANT to turn around and see my precious toddler in diapers squealing out in joy at some new experience...I LONG to have her climb up in my lap for a bedtime story...I ACHE for her to give me that to-die-for-grin that could simply melt my heart with one look...I have asked this question so many times in this space, but what happened to all of those years? When did she turn this corner and have this new more adult life? What was I doing when this happened?

For the times of metamorphosis, for the face offs, the hang-on-to-your-hat moments in mothering...even the times when you are falling flat on your face...PLEASE still savor even those moments...you might have a day, not too far from now, when you long for even those times! Just know that no matter what stage of life you are in with your daughter, a new beautiful relationship is waiting to arise from it all.
Don't forget to check out Tracy's story and photo, as well as other BSM.

11 comments:

Blessed Nest said...

I bet she still loves you to the moon and back....thanks for your sweet comment and sharing your heart!!

heather said...

so funny that Donna beat me here... when I read the comment you left about "love you to the moon and back" I came over to thank you, and tell you that I have always said that to my Gracie, my little niece who is becoming more sophisticated in her response... I remember crying at "lv mun bak" (we have always lived too far away, so it's mostly over the phone) and yesterday there was this long "one-up" conversation with the grown up 4 1/2 year-old about infinity and the tippy top of the moon... and all I could think about was drinking in the moment, how I was going to blink and she'll be too busy texting someone (or whatever it is by then) to talk to her old auntie... ok, so long to say, yes, I get it. And the bsm made my heart sink too. Just know, that feeling is what tells you you're a good mom. If you didn't care, you'd be just some pal. A girl has lots of pals, but only one mom. lyttmab :)Heather

melody is slurping life said...

I felt your heart pouring out with this post. Mothering, there are so many ways to define and redefine it...and no two are ever the same.

I'm feeling the boys' childhood days slipping away...and it's really hard.

Here's a {hug}.

Bonnie said...

Wow Andi,
What a great post. Such a good reminder. My kids are still so little but soon ... too soon ... I know I'll be in this same place you are, in the same place your 70 year old Mommy is !! I guess it's just a mother's heart ... always.gh

Christina said...

Wow. What an intense, thought provoking, profound post. I am afraid to blink, for fear of turning around to find my diaper-clad toddler now a young woman. hugs!

Kimberly said...

This post literally brought tears to my eyes. I'm 4 weeks away from meeting my little girl for the first time and if my son has taught me anything, it's that time rushes by so fast you'll miss it all if you so much as blink. I know once you were standing in my shoes awaiting your little girl, and someday in the not so distant future I'll be standing in your shoes, wondering where my little girl went so fast. So big hugs to you from someone who hasn't been there yet, but knows some day she will be.

natalie said...

I wasn't ready for this post today. Not after the day we had. I'm sort of basket-case-ish right now anyway.

I don't want to dwell on the "where did time go" question, but every time I ask it, I'm reminded to enjoy this very moment. This very second with M--to snuggle her and kiss her and smell her sweaty toddler smell. Because it will be gone before I'm ready for it to leave.

Give A a big, slurpy "you used to be a toddler" kiss for me. How I wish I'd known her then.

carrie said...

Hi Andi -
This is my first time here, and I came for Theme Thursday - but saw this photo and had to read your BSM first.

*sigh* I'm in tears right now. I have 2 girls (4 and 2) and the thought of then at 18 just makes me so sad right now...I already feel like I have no control over how fast they are slipping away.

Just a beautiful post. Thanks again for the food for thought today.

Stacy said...

What a wonderful, heartfelt post. I know that these days will come all to soon to me and my little brood. I want them to stay innocent forever...that's not too much to ask right?? (((hugs)))

Arizaphale said...

Funny, you reminded me of the time my Mum found my pills and I can assure you she wasn't as understanding as you. But I suddenly knew how she must have felt....
Thankyou.

Mike said...

Love the toes.


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