Longing

My baby girl has been out of town with my parents for a week.

A WEEK I tell you. Seven straight days...in a row...

I am missing her so much right now.


Ok. So she's clearly not a "baby" girl; she's twenty for goodness sakes.
But still I miss her. Her smile. The shrug of her shoulders. Her scent. Laughing with her....talking with her...cooking with her....Oh, my. This is bad.

Thank goodness, she is coming home tomorrow!

My Mother

She is a presence.

This woman.

I adore her.

She has a spirit that I can not even find words to express.

She has spent her life as a "housewife" (her words when anyone asks her what she does for a living) giving her all to her family...sacrificing her own needs for us on a daily basis. Still.
She grew up with a loving mother and a not-so-loving father. She smiled in spite of it all. Her heart is so open, so loving, so honest...

This became so much clearer to me on the day that my own daughter was born. My mother told me that day that the years would fly by as they had with her own children...that I needed to savor each moment as a mother. Boy, was she ever right! I wonder so often where the last nineteen years have gone. She loves so strongly, so forcefully that sometimes it almost smothers, but I would not have it any other way.

She enjoyed the life of a stay-at-home mom...cooking, cleaning, taking care of everything...those were her loves...she did each chore with such love, such dedication. I feel some days that I am nothing like her; I choose to work...most of my time is spent being too busy to care about the things she loves so much. In recent years, I have come to understand that though we chose different paths, we are still very much alike. I have come to cherish that.

She lives life to the fullest every single day. She has survived much in her life- a rough relationship with her father, loss, teenage pregnancy by her daughter, cancer, financial difficulties...She handles everything with faith and grace. This woman. My mother.

I hope mothers everywhere enjoy this day...have a happy one. I am going to go spend some time with this woman...to try and tell her again how much she means to me.

Two for Tuesday

What a fun couple of days I have had! The daughter has been really excited by her new birthday gifts, and she's been cooking up a STORM. Many of her friends have been over, and the house has been filled with giggly girls, great food, and good times...Normally, I try to get out of their way, and allow them to have free time without the "mom" hanging out being in the way. I typically excuse myself to the bedroom and read a book. These last few days, the girls have asked me to join in the fun. Yesterday, after the most delicious brunch of "chicken and waffles," we all went shopping. They had a party to go to last night, so they wanted something new to wear...(No, in case you were wondering, I did not go to the party!) Today, we all went swimming at my parent's pool...a wonderfully lazy afternoon filled with blazing sunshine and crystal clear water- a fabulous day! They did invite me along to a club called The Red Eye this evening...not sure if I will go, but the thought was sweet. I enjoy being a young mother, but there are times when I KNOW for certain that I am too old for some of the things that they do...stay out all night, drink like fishes, get up early the next morning, still make it to class, no hangovers, a power nap, ready to go out again the next evening! LOL- I start yawning generally around 11:00. Anyway, it has been enjoyable spending more time with the daughter, and I appreciate the fact that she still wants me around. Check out the dishes below- some of the first things she has made with her new birthday gadgets...

Thanks to The Food Network's Bobby Flay, the daughter saw an episode where he challenged a lady in Harlem to a throwdown cook-off making chicken and waffles. The daughter has been wanting to make this for the longest time, and I never could imagine why...who in the world eats fried chicken with waffles???...well, it rocks! Let me just say, it was delicious! I was quite surprised. She even took pains to "plate" the dish like a pro. The next dish she made for dinner was grilled panini sandwiches, fried pickles with ranch chipolte dipping sauce, and kettle cooked chips. They washed it all down with a new find from our local grocery store- a blueberry lager called "Wild Blue." The fried pickles were espeically nice, since this is one of our favorite things to get when we go to a beachside grill in Seaside, Florida called "Pickles." The daughter's were just as tasty! We were all stuffed to the max, and several of the girls took their left-overs to the party with them for later. Ha,ha.

Tonight, we are having grilled chicken and salad...something much lighter than the last few days! The husband will be home soon, and I have given the daughter the night off from cooking (LOL), so I better get moving. Hope your week is going nicely.

BSM: Things that Make Your Heart Hurt

(Disclaimer: This is NOT a photograph that I think will lead me to the Photography Hall of Fame or anything, but this fits Tracey's theme for today so well for me....keep reading, you'll see.)

Tracey wrote the in her post for today..."Just when you think you've hit your stride, one or both of your kids will slide into some new phase and you're caught not not looking and loose your balance. Sometimes you're left reeling only to struggle to regain composure while other times you find yourself flat on your face..."

As a mother, I can not confess the actual number of times when this has happened to me, completely without warning...taken me so off guard and rendered me not only speechless, but also painfully inept. I used to menatally remind myself (as if I'd forgotten or something) that I was an exteremely young mother, and if things went wrong, what did I know?! You can only use that for so many years, and then mothering is supposed to make sense, right? We are supposed to know what to do, how to answer, when to step in, and when to leave it alone...right? Well, I learned long ago, early in my eighteen years as a mother, that there is no survival guide or how-to book. The stages in a child's life are inexplicable and nebulous at best. This journey that I have been on with the daughter has been more like a roller coaster than a day at the beach. Seeing a daughter for who she is, not for what I want her to be (as Tracry mentioned) is such a tremendous step, a LEAP, into finding our places in this present life. But, just when I get used to that placement, she changes again...and I am forced to constantly reassess my role. My dear, sweet mother told me once that it NEVER gets easier...I really thought I might faint at hearing that. I argued with her claiming that she and I have progressed into such nice places, where, as adults, we are more like friends now than like mother and daughter. She told me that it still isn't easy for her...she worries about me, cannot control me, does not have authority over me, and has to let me go to lead my own life, no matter what, but that she never stops aching for me, worrying about me, praying for me, and hoping for the best for me. My mother will turn 70 years old next year...I guess she is right; it will never get easier and it will never end.
But, would you want it to? Isn't being a mother, especially to a daughter, the BEST job in the ENTIRE world? What would I give for the daughter's presence in my life? Absolutey nothing!

Which brings me (finally) to the BSM photo....these belong to the daughter. Does your heart ache at this sight, the mere thought of it, like mine does? Regardless of the reason for these birth control pills, I still can not wrap my brain around it all. At the moment, I WANT to turn around and see my precious toddler in diapers squealing out in joy at some new experience...I LONG to have her climb up in my lap for a bedtime story...I ACHE for her to give me that to-die-for-grin that could simply melt my heart with one look...I have asked this question so many times in this space, but what happened to all of those years? When did she turn this corner and have this new more adult life? What was I doing when this happened?

For the times of metamorphosis, for the face offs, the hang-on-to-your-hat moments in mothering...even the times when you are falling flat on your face...PLEASE still savor even those moments...you might have a day, not too far from now, when you long for even those times! Just know that no matter what stage of life you are in with your daughter, a new beautiful relationship is waiting to arise from it all.
Don't forget to check out Tracy's story and photo, as well as other BSM.